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Jar Jar Abrams


My friends are all missing the point I am trying to make. My boycott of Star Wars is not because of the lame prequels, nor George Lucas’ retirement from film-making (or special effects montages, if you will), nor my dislike of Lost. Though each of those are reason enough to stop kicking the dead horse and the sum of them all is reason enough to toss my Greedo action figure, I say “Nay,” those are not the reason for my boycott of Star Wars.

If George Lucas went out to the deserts of New Mexico and took peyote and did some serious soul searching and came to the conclusion that he is, in fact, the bloated, pompous windbag that he comes across as to the public, and if he said to himself, “I think that it is time to give up the reins. I feel that my story could be told better by someone who is not as in love with myself as I am. I think I will go and study the sci-fi/fantasy/adventure films that have been made over the last five to ten years and find my successor. I will take this person under my wing and try to make him see what it is that I see and have been unable to express since the early 80’s,” and then he went and actually did that, and then, at Comic-Con or some other platform, he announced that he was passing the torch to J.J. Abrams and that he would be 100% hands-off, this would be joyous news. I mean that.

J.J. Abrams is a dude much like George Lucas. He is a dude that has a unique, epic vision. He is a dude that knows how to make magic on a screen, be it the small screen of television or the big screen. Let’s take a quick look at his work…
Lost J.J. Abrams’ baby. It looked great. It was a great idea. It had some great characters. But ultimately, it was dumb. He didn’t know what the end was when he started it and he was only concerned with getting the audience through the commercial break. I don’t care what anybody says, he was making that up as he went along. And I feel sorry for everyone that got hooked on Lost.
Cloverfield- This film had a lot of hype. It was unique. It was fun. It was real. It was amazingly epic for a film shot completely on a handheld camera. And he didn’t have to explain anything! The hook of Cloverfield was the roller coaster ride that the film took the audience on. Where did the monster come from? Who cares? Run!
Star Trek Not his property! A pre-existing property! A universe already built! Paramount let J.J. Abrams run wild with this universe and what he delivered was a Star Warsed Star Trek. It was awesome! Right?!? He didn’t have to explain anything! It was already explained by Gene Roddenberry and a ton of other people. He made it awesome and he made it work for a new audience and that’s great. He didn’t have to answer any questions or explain any of his ideas.

So J.J. Abrams taking an even grander mythology should be even more epic… and more exciting… especially considering that the dude loves Star WarsHe remembers what he loved about good Star Wars and what he was disappointed with in new Star Wars and I guarantee that he would deliver exactly what the tortured and humiliated but loyal fanbase of Star Wars wants to see.
He doesn’t have to explain the polar bear, the smoke monster, John Locke, or the island. He has a universe of interesting characters. He has a built-in mythology. He has the largest built-in fanbase. He has a blank canvas and an endless arsenal of paint… the greatest colors that can be had.

So why my boycott? The Star Wars saga died for me when Natalie Portman popped out twins while she was dying and said “Luke..ah…ah… Leia..ah..ah… there is good in him, Obi-Wan.”
The prequels sucked. They were bound to disappoint because nothing could live up to the expectations that they were given. There were a few very memorable moments, there was great action, Ewan McGregor was great, Natalie Portman is hot, Darth Maul was sick, the lightsaber fights were nuts, Yoda saved the day, and we saw Chewbacca. Whatever. I waited in line with other fans. I cheered. I applauded. I had fun. It ended. I put it to rest. I never thought there would be Episode VII. But take George Lucas out of the equation… ok, I’m listening.
Why my boycott? The new director? No. I explained J.J. Abrams already. He is really good at telling a story he doesn’t have to think about telling.
Why my boycott? There is nothing left to tell. The story is complete. As dumb as the second half, which was the first half, was, it is complete. The story is whole. But is it? Maybe there is more to the story? If you put a gun to my head and told me to continue the Star Wars Saga, I’d like to think that I could come up with a reason to continue telling the story. So, no that’s not it.
Why my boycott? Is it because the actors that played the characters from the Original Trilogy, which would be the same characters that The Unnecessary Trilogy must continue narrating, all look like they got run over by a truck? No. I would be ok with new actors taking over those roles. I can suspend my belief enough to accept that.

I am boycotting the upcoming NEW Star Wars films because they are Disney movies. The Walt Disney company is no longer a relevant story teller. They were once magical. They are now a monster. They buy properties to remain relevant. They buy Pixar. They buy Marvel. They have now bought Star Wars

Fuck Walt Disney. Fuck Mickey Mouse. Fuck them if they think they will get me to pay my money to watch a Disney version of what I loved as a kid. Star Wars: A New Hope was renegade film-making. No studio wanted to touch it. George Lucas almost killed himself to get that made. And his vision was equal to Walt Disney’s. Star Wars wasn’t just cool because of the mythology and Han Solo. It was cool because it was a young film-maker so hell-bent on getting his vision on film and into theaters that he did whatever was necessary. It was rock and roll. It was punk. It was “Fuck you Hollywood. I’m going to tell an awesome story with or without you.”
If George Lucas of 1976 could see what became of his idea, he would not have made Star Wars in the first place. He would have been Steven Spielberg’s lame friend that he took to parties. He would have said “I’ll change the future. I will never let Walt Fucking Disney buy my story. I’m not a sell-out!” 

J.J Abrams has nothing to do with my boycott. The story being completely complete has nothing to do with my boycott. The story taking a tremendous turn for the worse due to George Lucas thinking he could sell a video of himself taking a shit so long as it was called Star Wars isn’t the reason for my boycott. Seeing “Walt Disney Pictures Proudly Presents” with Tinkerbell and the Magic Kingdom before the opening scroll that says “Episode VII” is the reason for my boycott. And it should be the reason for your boycott. Don’t let Disney take over the world. Fight evil Hollywood. Fight the same old-same old. Fight for what you cared about as a kid so much that you waited in line for hours and hours to see a shitty version of it.

Yes, the prequels were shitty, but at least they were George Lucas’ shitty prequels. He earned the right to destroy his credibility as a film-maker. He earned the right to shit all over his greatness. Now he is just earning an easy buck. This isn’t cool. Even the talk of one-off Star Wars films… like one directed by Brad Bird about seven Jedi Knights based on The Seven Samurai, which sounds like it’d be really fucking cool, ISN’T COOL! WALT DISNEY ISN’T COOL!!!!!!!!!!!

That said… I am really looking forward to Star Trek Into Darkness.


About seanniewankenobi

I like music and movies and good television. I also enjoy Scotch Whiskey. I also enjoy playing drums. I also enjoy reading books. I also enjoy giving my opinion about things that matter... like Star Wars and Game of Thrones.

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